The Struggle With Being Too Independent

One day I asked my mom if she thought I didn’t attract men because I exuded too much masculine energy. Not surprisingly, she said yes.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not saying I’m masculine. I’m not (also not exactly feminine either, but I’m certainly not manly).

This didn’t offend me, nor did it surprise me. I already know I’m not like other girls. And no, I’m not implying there is anything wrong with being like other girls, so don’t even start going off on a tangent with that…

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Anyway, I simply know my brain works differently. I can get along with other women just fine, but truly connecting with them is a struggle. When I look back at my most positive, meaningful friendships where I felt most connected, accepted, and understood, it’s with guy friends.

I’ve been told more times than I can count that I’m “basically a dude.” I’m cool with that, actually. In fact, I love that about myself. There are many, many reasons people think this of me (hello, sense of humor 🤦🏼‍♀️). But one of the reasons is because I am fiercely independent.

The problem with that is it gets exhausting. Not to mention it’s lonely. I’m so wrapped up in handling everything myself and being my own leader that I don’t know how to ask for help. Heck, I don’t even know how to accept help when it’s offered.

My brain is so focused on doing it ALL that I don’t know how to let another person in. I don’t know how to step back because I’ve never had the option to do so.

To give you some day-to-day examples…. if I see a man putting together furniture or something that I know I could have done quicker, I can’t stand it. Like, my skin crawls just wanting to dive in and do it myself.

No one has ever actually done this for me, but I see men putting gas in their wives’ cars. If someone took my car to put gas in it, I’d be so confused I’m not sure I would even know how to react. I can easily do that myself, so my brain wouldn’t be able to comprehend why someone would take the time to do it for me.

Don’t get me wrong- I’d love to have someone who thought about me enough to do small things to make my life easier. I’ve just never experienced it, so it’s hard for me to accept it.

And I couldn’t bring up being independent without at least mentioning mansplaining.

Ughhh where do I even start? I honestly think it typically comes from a place of good intentions and they’re trying to be helpful, but fellas!! if you’re dealing with a smart, independent woman, telling her how to do something she already knows how to do is insulting! And annoying!

I am not stupid. I’ve been handling my own business for a long time. Please do not treat me as if I don’t know anything.

Ok, stepping off that soapbox for now…

Being independent is awesome. I feel incredibly powerful and I know I can do anything. Doing things for myself, by myself, makes me feel accomplished. But just because I am capable of doing it all myself doesn’t mean I always want to.

One thing I struggle with is knowing when to ask for help. I’m so proud of being independent and self-reliant that I feel guilty allowing someone else to do something nice for me.

BUT putting pressure on myself to get everything done, right this second, all by myself, isn’t healthy or realistic. I wear myself down trying to prove I don’t need anyone- that I am capable of doing. it. all. And I am capable of doing it all- just not every single thing all at once.

(And here’s why it’s okay to give yourself a break every now and then!)

When it’s known that someone can’t handle everything on their own, people naturally jump in and help that person out, because it’s obvious they need it. For people like me, though, nobody sees our struggles.

Either we hide it, or can’t admit failure, or people simply see us handling it all and don’t consider that we might have needs that aren’t being met.

I’ll never be a dainty princess who needs a man to wait on her hand and foot. And I wouldn’t want it that way.

But feeling special, occasionally being considered or taken care of, or just feeling like someone actually sees me… yeah, I want that. I deserve that.

I take care of you, you take care of me. We help each other. There’s balance. Not just in romantic relationships either, I’m talking about in friendships, too.

See, the biggest struggle with being independent is that we attract people who aren’t. We attract needy people and users. One thing I’m guilty of is not recognizing this at the start of friendships. It’s natural for me to be the one doing it all. I don’t even notice that it’s one-sided because if I have a need, I take care of it myself. That’s what I’m used to. Relying on someone else to do something for me has never been an option, so I never even consider it.

If I see someone else who has a need, well I have no problem taking care of that, too. I’ll accommodate the needs and wants of people I care about all day long, and I enjoy doing it. It makes me happy to make other people happy.

It never even occurs to me that they should be doing the same for me. I don’t need them to- I’ve already got that covered.

I struggle to realize that I’m the one giving while the other person does nothing but take until it’s too late and I’m drained. Not gonna stick around to be someone’s doormat, though, which leaves me without a lot of meaningful people in my life.

Sure, I own this as something I can work on- recognizing and avoiding self-centered users and takers. It does sadden me, though, that this seems to be the norm. I like taking care of the people I love. But I don’t want those people to take advantage of me. I will never think that being a good person is a bad thing. But it gets freakin lonely!

So my question is- where are all the supportive people? Where the heck can I find other like-minded friends to spend time with?

(Hint: probs shouldn’t look for friends while you’re naked.)

I’m putting it out into the universe- I need more meaningful, balanced connections in my life.

If that’s you, let’s be friends! 😊